Disrupt Habitual ADHD Responses: Learn to Pause

Do you often feel shame, guilt, or fear in social situations where you’re sure the other person is going to say “why didn’t you” or “when will you” or “I thought I told you…”?

You may feel stuck, overwhelmed, defensive, and barely hear what they’re saying.

You may say and do what you always say and do in this situation, with the same unsatisfying results.

WHY IS THAT?

Psychologist Lisa Feldman Barrett’s research* theorizes that the human brain is a prediction network that assigns culturally learned emotional meaning to our physiological state in order to identify patterns and react quickly and efficiently. 

At first, this may start out benignly: someone asks you a “did you …?” question. You notice your stomach is upset, or you’re breathing rapidly, and you attribute these physical feelings to an emotion. You assign that meaning/emotion to those physical feelings within that social context (person asking a “did you….?” question, when you both know you didn’t).

Let’s say you assign the emotions “guilt” and “shame” to how you’re feeling. And this predictive pattern repeats; every time you’re in that same social context (or you anticipate you’re in that social context), your brain predicts emotions, physical sensations and behavioral habits that keep you stuck in a prediction loop that’s difficult — but not impossible — to break.

When I coach clients who want to change their habitual reactions, I invite them to challenge and reset their predictive physiological state through “a pause.” 

WHAT’S A PAUSE? 

A pause is deliberately slowing down and interrupting your habitual body/brain prediction dynamic.

One way to do this is by box breathing. Try inhaling through your nose to the count of 4 (approximately 4 seconds); hold for another count of 4; exhale through your mouth for 4 seconds; hold for 4. Repeat until you feel your body relax and your emotions quieten. (Or some people just inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 4; inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 4. Either technique works.)

Notice that the pause takes maybe 30 seconds, which is not a long silence for the other person. 

PRACTICE THE PAUSE

Imagine you’re in a stressful situation that happens pretty often. Perhaps a family member “reminds” you to do that thing you might have forgotten to do, and you typically feel guilt and shame and react defensively, which never ends well.

Feel your typical reactive emotions. Then practice pausing and resetting. Use box breathing. Allow your body to relax and rest. Let go of the shame or guilt or fear.

Question your habitual response. If you were the other person (doing the reminding), what sort of response would you appreciate? What sort of response would tick you off?!

As you practice the pause and reflect on how it feels, you’ll find it easier to access in stressful situations to reset and disrupt your old behaviors.

I predict it!

* Lisa Feldman Barrett, “How Emotions are Made,” 2017. https://lisafeldmanbarrett.com